It would have been 25 years today.

Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary to my first husband, but we divorced after only one year. We were young, both 20 when we said I do and 21 when we said I don’t. It was a whirlwind year and today it feels every bit of 25 years away.

I’ve toyed with a blog and book named Confessions of a Serial Wife for quite some time. Both, because it is funny and because it is true. I’ve been married three times and in one long-term partnership. One of the definitions offered by Merriam-Webster for the word “serial” is “…performing a series of similar acts over a period of time.” I feel this definition in my bones. Over the course of this blog, I will unpack that definition. Partly for me, partly for you.

It was important, though, that this long lost anniversary be the first day of this blog. I realized this afternoon as a new sign, bearing the first and last name I was given at birth, was being installed on my office door that 25 years earlier today, I began my adult journey of forfeiting my desired-self, my core identity, for the sake of another. 25 years ago today, I changed my name for the first time and have changed it four times since.

In March 2020, when my third marriage (fourth long-term relationship) was in crisis, I realized I was the common denominator in each of my past and current relationships. I’m not taking sole blame for any relationship’s demise, but in March 2020 I decided to own my part in the struggle and deterioration of each. To do this, I had to dig in to my childhood, my coping mechanisms, and in to myself.

Once after explaining my relationship history to a therapist, he looked at me and said, “sounds like your picker is broken.” He was right, my picker was broken. Also, my ability to love myself, be truthful with myself and be truthful with others was broken. Quite simply, I was broken.

Since that day, I have learned I cannot be healthy in relationship (thus I cannot have a healthy relationship) without first knowing and accepting myself and my needs. I’ve also learned (and am still learning) how to set and hold boundaries and respect others’ boundaries. I’ve been on a journey to find my soul, my essence, my desired-self, the person I was born to be for the last, almost, three years and I anticipate I will be on this journey in some form forever. So, on this might-have-been 25th anniversary, I will leave you with a poem I wrote while searching for me.